so the past couple of days i have been filled with worry, and went into defense mode, not only to my girlfriend, but friends, and family. this morning i went to see my therapist, and i told him what's been going, and my fear of the coming month of august. I am worried about going to school, and actually focusing on myself when i do go to school. i am worried i might be alone. I'm also scared of failing, and not being able to do well. most importantly i am sincerely sorry for being a grouch, and an asshole to those i have close to me. I know its not ok, but i am scared. i have spent so much time watching out for those around me, that i haven't had enough time to look out for myself. When my friend JD and i went to Nanant beach, i was soo sarcastic to him, i didn't mean to be, but my defenses were high, and i don't like to admit my weaknesses, nor my fears. i hate to admit my feelings. the only reason why i don't like to admit these things, is from my up bringing. my father was a monster, and if i said anything that i was feeling, i'd get put down lower. my expressions that something is wrong with me is when i say things i don't mean, or i'm deeply worried. i practically bawled at brians, because i was sorry, and i want things to go back to normal. I'm scared that when i go to school that i'll end up finishing my work, and doing nothing. I'll be missing my family, and yes younger siblings can be a pain, but i will miss spending the time i have with them. "You have to face the fear of the unknown with both two feet, and just do it" says brian, my therapist. I know i said, this will be easy for me, and i won't be missing anything. But i never realized was this is real. this is a decission that will make or break me. I know i have failed Universal Techinical Institute, but from what Brian said, " that failed for many different reasons, you were commuting way too far away, you HAD to be there early as hell in the morning, they didn't give you enough lee way when you had your accident, that school you were never going to make it, because they scammed you. they suckered you into it." and he was right. furthermore, i am soo sincerely sorry for being an ass to my girlfriend, i never want to treat her the way i did. i am scared of going off to school. and i know she's right, that i will go through changes, and good ones. I know she was scared when she went, and thats how i am feeling now. i would never cheat on her, i would never lie to her. i won't do anything to take her for granted. shes my angel, my sweetheart. i know this couple of days has been hard, for her and the both of us. and today i want to make it better. i know im going to bawl when i see her, or when i talk to her. i hate being this emotional wreckage of anxiety, and Brian has said it time and time again. "You have anxiety issues" he said medication will help but he doesn't want to go that route. he told me to remember my alanon slogans, use that program even if you are not living with the alcoholic. today, before jill comes over, i want to meditate. just to clear my head of the anxiety.
![0203081959[1]](http://x88.xanga.com/1158063621046172101610/q130710256.jpg)
Chatboard (3)